By Deborah Jeanne Sergeant
Follow 10 rules and be well
The holiday season can generate warmth, togetherness and joy among family members. But for some, it can manifest drama, emotional pain and frustration.
If some of your family members cause the latter, you can plan to preserve your mental health when you get together.
Prevent trouble
“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” said Sourav Sengupta, child and adolescent psychiatrist at UBMD Psychiatry and associate professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at Jacobs School of Medicine and Biomedical Sciences, University at Buffalo. “So many of us haven’t been able to stay in touch and there could have been some lack of connection. It’s OK to say explicitly say, ‘Let’s talk about things we can feel good about as a family.’ It’s OK to steer the conversation.”
Some family members may feel relieved that you don’t want to hash out politics or religion and join you in friendly small talk.
Stay Realistic
Don’t anticipate that your uncle who asks embarrassing questions will behave himself this year. Sengupta said that instead, it’s wise to prepare for the questions. For example, if your uncle asks why you dropped out of college, explain your plans for the year. But don’t expect him to simply accept you know what you’re doing and praise your ideas.
“There likely will be difficult reactions,” Sengupta said. “You don’t want to be off-guard. There may be extended family who after a little eggnog will likely not have cordial conversation.”
He recommends beginning with caring statements, such as “You know I love you and you’re important to me. I like connecting, but I’m feeling stressed about…”
Realize it’s Not About You.
If Uncle Nosey asks why you’re not as successful in business as your cousin, perhaps he is trying to compensate for your cousin’s romantic shortcomings. Maybe your uncle asks within your cousin’s earshot to build her up — even though it tears you down. Or he could boast to boost his own image.
“The challenge is not get caught up in it,” Sengupta said. “Once you’re three one-ups in, it’s hard to get away. The real answer is to disengage.”
Sometimes, Aunt Busybody asks about your love life so she has something to think about and talk about because her life is boring. Share only what you want the rest of your family to know. Her motivation could be as innocent as hoping you find someone as wonderful as her husband, without the realization that you feel content single.
Don’t Blurt Out a Reply
When pressed about a sensitive topic, pause. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom. This allows time for you to compose a reply, whether you answer the question or not. Knee-jerk responses and fighting fire with fire result in regret. Asking, “Why do you want to know?” both buys time and puts the questioner on the spot.
Sometimes questioners clearly want to stir the pot, such as, “You don’t really think your daughter has chosen the right career, do you?”
Staying upbeat is the right strategy: “I support my daughter’s decisions. It’s her life.” And then change the subject.
Use Humor
Emulate the 30-something woman questioned about why she’s not married. She offered, “Just lucky, I guess” as her cheeky reply. Humor can diffuse a situation if not at the expense of others.
Cruel remarks or mocking ramps up the drama.
Stick With Facts
“This is where it gets challenging,” Sengupta said. “If you know you’re moving towards a conversation where you know conflict happens, talk about factual things that have happened. Don’t veer into theories about public health or the elections.”
Acknowledge anything with which you can agree and then change the subject, so the other person feels he has “won” the conversation. In reality, getting off hot button issues is the real “win.”
Set Boundaries
Sengupta said that it’s perfectly OK to say, “I’m not prepared to talk about that right now” and change the subject.
“Sometimes we have to agree to disagree,” he said. “It’s helpful to put it out there that you both want to have a nice time with extended family.”
Focus on the positive
It can be easy to show up at a family gathering anticipating a bad time and then experience one.
Sengupta said that engaging in an activity instead of only talking can help the time together pass pleasantly than struggling to make non-offensive small talk.
Zero in on a positive, uplifting family member. But extend grace to the downers, especially considering the social awkwardness generated by the pandemic’s isolation.
Perform Self-Care
Avoid going to a family gathering with the expectation of others meeting your emotional needs, especially if they have not done so in the past.
“The most important thing is to take care of ourselves before we have these kinds of potentially tense situations,” said Erin Thompson, licensed clinical social worker and owner of Believe and Breathe Counseling in Penfield.
This could include taking time for mindfulness, deep breathing, and other methods of de-stressing. Getting into the right frame of mind can make it easier to handle triggering situations or comments.
Plan topics of conversation
Mentally rehearse “safe” topics, like the weather or sports which other family members cannot turn into verbal abuse. These distractions can keep the conversation from veering into dangerous waters.
Reduce Your Exposure
Plan to give your family a signal it’s time to go if things get too dicey. If your mental health will suffer regardless of the strategies you employ, it’s OK to stop in briefly to the gathering and then leave — or not even go at all. See non-toxic family members another time so you can avoid others’ verbal haranguing.